Con Man's Legal Phone Scam: 900 Phone Line Offer

--How to Become your Community's Lonely Hearts Matchmaker, Resident Psychic, or Neighborhood Horn Dog.

Several of the 900-phone line operators are now offering to share the wealth: give you a chance to be just like them.

And, they don't care how old, or young, you are. To them age is important only if you are wine or cheese.

They will set you up in a con man-style business for yourself, the easy way: they will do all the work, and you will only sit back and enjoy the profits.

Being very successful at seeking out people who have delusions of adequacy, they know that acceptable thinking is: If you eat a live toad at breakfast, nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day and that enormous profits will follow such a swallowing of pride.

They already have the con man facilities, and the phone operators / answerers / counselors--or whatever you would call these people--and are now extending the hand of friendship toward your wallet. "Sharemanship" you might otherwise call it. (If at first you don't succeed, try management.)

For a little under $500 you can offer all the same "services" they do. They will set you up with your very own con man 900-phone number turnkey-package business.

The 3 best model packages from which you can choose, as the offering of your very own 900 service, are: 1. Matchmaker. Access their excellent staff of Dear Abby-type advisors to find kindred spirits of all kinds--from lovelorn to lovesick to love makers. 2. Psychic. Tap their mystic stable of Twilight Zone gurus--their version of Rod Serling in their vending of astrophysical counsel. 3. Adult. (Read, porno.) Self-explanatory. Or you can choose to manage a multiple of these offerings (Remember what Confucius say: Man with one chopstick go hungry.)

You will be pleased to know that these lines will work for you 24 / 7. And, that their con man counselors are very skilled in piling up chargeable minutes for you-- that;s the primary goal, the average now being 10 minutes per call, on which they collect $2.99-$5.99 per minute, of which they will dispense $1.00 per minute to you for the use of your lines. You will have no worries to concern yourself with over maintenance, operations, management, of any kind. Your only function will be to--out of your own pocket--advertise. This is their idea of serving up a 7-course meal consisting of something like a hot dog and 6-pack.

Why such generosity?

Simply because this sponge is nearly squeezed dry. These people have already tapped out their primary advertising media--underground newspapers, Howard Stern-type radio shows, and whacko internet sites--and are now beating the bushes for every last scrap of business to be had.

Hence, they would now like to invite you aboard their profit train, if you will bring with you, please, whatever new business you can drum up from your local newspaper classified ads, Kiwanis Club and high school year book associations, and shopping mall billboard postings.

Conversely, if you don't, so what. At this point they've already got your up-front money. These con men can now merely ignore you and solicit the next candidate from their sucker list for this glorious no work / all play turnkey package business setup.

Learn from the mistakes of others; you won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Would you have anything at all to gain from such a business association? If you don't mind becoming known as a weirdo, con man, or pornographer, maybe. Though doubtful. If you feel such a new identity added to your name in your community might be offensive to you, no. Remember a fundamental Law of Bureaucracy, which applies closely in this case: The solution to a problem creates a new problem.

Even singularly, based on its earnings potential alone, such "opportunity" just seems to not be there. A clear look proves that the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

You'd probably go about as far in life, with the same social acceptance, if you took a hit of acid, smoked a joint, and bummed some money from your mother.