Con Men Specialty: How to Become a Dumpster Diver--Make a Fortune

--New Skill Developed by Con Men Leads to Treasures in Truck and Trash

If at first you don't succeed, try something else. Go for it. Big. Moderation is said to be for Monks.

Want to become one of the more skilled of con men? Make a fortune? Here's your chance to start at the bottom (pun intended), and learn this new trade from the ground up. This shortest of short-cuts to learning the basics of becoming a con man--through dumpster diving--has many advantages. Everything you need for identity theft--to construct a new identity, that is--is usually right there, all in one place, in a large apartment or condo dumpster. Often it's just plain garbage that is a pot of gold for con men.

What would you be looking for?

Addresses, account numbers, birth dates, email addresses, names, passwords, PINS, phone numbers, signatures, social security numbers. Yes, the search is extensive. There's no such thing as a "short" beer.

And, these would be the specific items you'd want to find:

> ATM receipts
> Address labels from magazines and
junk mail.

(You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.)

> Bank statements
> Birth certificate copies
> Canceled and voided checks
> Credit and charge card bills, carbons
> Summaries, receipts, bills
> Credit reports and histories
> Employee pay stubs
> Employer records
> Expired credit and identification cards
of all types

(If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway. So, you may as well verify everything.)

> Expired visas and passports
> Insurance policies and forms
> Any paper with a social security number
> Credit card applications, pre-approved
> Resumes
> Report cards
> Leases, contracts, letters, any document
with signatures

(Follow Denniston's Law:: Virtue is its own punishment.)

> Transcripts
> Travel itineraries
> Used airline tickets
> Utility bills

Life is hard; then you're not here.
As you can clearly see, then, this avenue can propel you into a lucrative, memorable new career while you still do enjoy time on Mother Earth. Here are some further tips on how to work more efficiently, and how to enjoy yourself while at work in your new occupation.

> In many jurisdictions trash is not considered private property. So, you wouldn't even be breaking any laws by diving and laying claim to all your new treasures. It should be obvious that money takes the sting out of being poor. Check out local laws in your area, though, to be sure. Check with the people at city hall. But, remember, a skunk is better company than someone who prides herself on being "frank."

> Dive around apartment complexes and condos the night before trash pickups. Your "finds" will be the most rewarding at this time. These are Lottery Winner nights for the Dumpster Diver. (The reason you should treat every day as your last is one day you will be right.)

> During your searches do not throw out garbage as you go, strew bits and pieces everywhere, around the dumpster. Be neat, orderly. You do not want to attract attention to yourself. And, you do not want to give dumpster diving a bad name.

> The 7th of the month is a good day for diving in planned communities in some areas, because those tenants who have not paid their rent for the month previous will face eviction on the 8th. Many will feel pushed,, and toss things out just prior to splitting. You would be like the vulture, picking at a carcas, remember, they like fresh meat too.

> Wear sturdy fabric such as denim and good gloves.. You must develop a case of deep-fried amnesia about dirt and "filth."

> Assumption is the mother of all foul ups. If people are around, wait a while before diving. While usually legal, your occupation is not considered socially acceptable in many quarters,, and may lead to needless confrontation. Never insult an alligator until after you've crossed the river.

> It's said that no man is lonely while eating spaghetti. To fully enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Bring along plenty of plastic bags to house your found goodies, and a stepping stool or sturdy box to stand on to peer down from and relish your treasures. You will often be amazed at what is thrown away. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

> Sunday night is grocery night, if you wish a snack while diving--or to acquire groceries to take home. You must set aside this night for diving behind restaurants, bakeries, and grocery stores. This is the time that dumpsters get filled with the weekend trash. Much of the expired stuff gets dumped on this day of the week.
Why does so much good stuff get dumped?
Remember Freeman's Law: Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.

> To keep from being bothered or harassed, wear a white butcher's smock, which makes you look like an employee.
This will minimize any scrutiny that would normally be aimed your way. Never underestsimate the impotence of naive people in groups.

> Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. If, for some reason you don't want to climb into the dumpster, use a cheap set of long-handled fireplace log tongs. Follow the first Rule of Mechanics: If it works, don't fix it.

> It's always darkest before you open your eyes. A miner's cap with a light embedded in it can be useful. (But, be careful to not wear a miner's cap with your butcher's smock; this may convey an image of you as a mindless crackpot.) If not, a flashlight for nighttime diving is essential.

> Before entering a dumpster, always tap loudly on the sides with your fireplace log tongs or a long stick. Purpose of this is to arouse any weasels, possums, or rats-- roust them to the top of the debris so you can shoo them off before jumping in yourself.

Remember, you are not drunk if you pass out on the floor without hanging on. You may have to rationalize your plight somewhat along this line if you are to stomach entering the con man profession through this avenue.